How women can close the gender orgasm gap and enjoy sex as much as men – all those in favour say ‘Ooooh’

THE sexual revolution of the ’60s may have been more than six decades ago, but new research shows there is still huge inequality between women and men between the sheets.

A study by Durex laid bare a “gender orgasm gap”, with men experiencing up to four times more orgasms than women during sex, and only 5% of women claiming to orgasm every time they have sex, versus 20% of men.

While around a fifth of women surveyed said they felt disappointed or frustrated when they didn’t orgasm, 11% were not fazed, because not orgasming has become the norm for them.

Love, relationship and sex coach Serena Novelli isn’t surprised by the findings.

“I work with couples where the woman is having problems with her libido and sexual experiences, including not orgasming, and the man is feeling confused and lost as to why his partner isn’t feeling the same thing he does,” she explains. “It’s very common.”

But why is this? The clitoris has about 8,000 sensitive nerve endings – which allow orgasm to happen – double the amount found in a penis, so there is no biological difference to explain this orgasm gap.

In fact, women are capable of having multiple orgasms in quick succession, while men require a recovery period post-climax.

If the reason isn’t physical, what is stopping so many women hitting that sweet spot?

Psychologists Verena Klein and Terri Conley, who have run a series of studies on this issue, believe it could be down to ingrained and outdated ideas about gender.

In Western society, they believe men are taught to feel entitled, whereas women are trained to act deferentially – in work, society, and the bedroom.

Since it’s common knowledge that men have more orgasms, women may simply accept this as fact. As a result, they put little effort into achieving their own climax. 

Serena also believes there are other mental barriers that stop women reaching orgasm.

“It usually comes down to women not feeling comfortable in their bodies,” she says.

“We’re being fed unrealistic examples of how we should look on TV and in the media, and rather than celebrating our changing bodies over the years, and the cycle that allows us to give birth, it is something that we feel insecure about.”

Then there is the issue of how busy women are.

As Serena points out, we spend much of our days wearing many hats – as an employee, a mum, wife, daughter, carer, friend – so it’s hard to switch off and feel relaxed enough to even have sex, let alone achieve an orgasm.

Yet, she argues, reaching a sexual climax is an incredibly beneficial thing to do regularly.

“Female mammals are blessed with the clitoris – an organ there purely for pleasure, and we should be experiencing that. Research shows orgasms boost wellbeing,” she says.

“Being able to have open conversations about what feels good and what doesn’t is vital in building a connection with your partner.”

‘Masturbation opened up a whole new world for me’

Sarah-Jane Lewis, 40, is an Etsy entrepreneur and mentor from Portsmouth.

“As my partner and I lay next to one another, he turned and looked at me. ‘How was that?’ he asked.

I nodded, my cheeks flushed. ‘Amazing,’ I said. Because finally, I’d met a man who cared about my pleasure as much as his.

Growing up, I never received any kind of sex education, and it always seemed a secretive and shameful thing. It was certainly never talked about at home. 

Unsurprisingly then, when I lost my virginity at 16 to my boyfriend at the time, it was nothing more than a quick fumble under the sheets.

I wondered what all the fuss was about, and it set the tone for my sex life for the next 14 years.

It was all about male gratification. Even when I first got married, I never orgasmed during sex. I felt unhappy and unfulfilled – not just in the bedroom, but in all aspects of my life – and I could never work out why.

When I fell pregnant with my son and then my daughter, my sex life dwindled at the same time that my libido shot up.

That was when I first started to experiment with masturbation and had my first orgasm at 30 years old. It opened up a whole new world for me. I had never known my body could feel such intense pleasure.

Eventually, my relationship with my husband broke down. Neither of us were happy and I wanted to see what else there was in the world.

Even when I first got married, I never orgasmed during sex.

Sarah-Jane Lewis

I didn’t have one-night stands – the ingrained idea that ‘good girls’ didn’t sleep around was too strong – but as friends set me up and I started to have other sexual partners, I realised just how amazing sex could be.

When I met my current partner on Tinder four years ago, I finally found someone who I not only had a great sex life with, but also an emotional connection.

We were equals in every way – including in the bedroom. My pleasure was just as important as his. 

He helps with jobs around the house, with the children and cooking, freeing up my mental load.

And he helps me feel more confident about myself. We are great at communicating, all of which combine to result in an amazing sex life.

As a mother to a daughter, I am determined to change the narrative for her.

Sex is not a taboo subject in our house, and when her teachers informed me they were going to hold a sex education lesson and tell the girls about periods, I asked whether they would also be covering female pleasure. It’s a subject that is still not discussed and yet so crucial.

After having my first orgasm later in life, I know just how good it is for you – it’s a great way to energise your body and relieve stress. I think it should be as much a part of your health regime as brushing your teeth.” 

 For more info, visit Sj-lewis.com.

‘I’ve never had an orgasm’

Jada Woolf, 31, is a beauty educator from Maidstone, Kent.

“Starting to feel flutterings, I called out ‘stop!’ to my partner. As he removed his hand, I could see the disappointment on his face.

I knew how much he wanted me to enjoy sex and help me reach orgasm, but the thing was, his attempts to turn me on just made me feel deeply uncomfortable. And that has absolutely nothing to do with him. 

Other than this, we have a great relationship, and have been together for two lovely years.

Unfortunately, I just always feel like I’m the odd one out and that there is something fundamentally wrong with me, because I have never had an orgasm. Not with a partner, not alone, not ever.

I first had sex when I was 15. In all honesty, I only did it because my boyfriend wanted to. It certainly wasn’t a special experience – a few quick thrusts and it was over.

Then, when I was 16, I was raped. Initially, my body dealt with the trauma by blocking it out, and it was only through flashbacks, nightmares and unexplained fainting episodes that I finally realised what had happened. 

Diagnosed with extreme PTSD by my GP, I underwent counselling and worked incredibly hard to piece myself back together.

After a year, I even started to have sex again with my then boyfriend – but I didn’t enjoy it and I definitely didn’t come close to climaxing.

Whenever I’ve confessed to boyfriends that I‘ve never climaxed, they’ve been full of bravado, totally convinced they were going to be the one who would finally rock my world.

But it just never happened. Their efforts did help, though, and I started to enjoy sex more. But even now, I view intercourse as something that is mostly for men or that is simply just more important to other people.

It is something I have discussed at length with my current partner, who knows about the rape and has always been incredibly supportive.

He is wonderful, but he still sometimes gets upset that sex is something I can take or leave. I know how much he wishes I got the same pleasure from it that he does. 

I have never had an orgasm. Not with a partner, not alone, not ever.

Jada Woolf

Thankfully, because we have talked about it so much, it feels as if it’s something we’re facing together, rather than it being on my shoulders alone. 

Yet, whenever he tries to please me during foreplay and I start to feel something, I’ll stop him, because rather than feeling good, it just becomes uncomfortable for me. 

I don’t like the idea of oral sex, and although I’ve tried to masturbate with vibrators, I get grossed out.

I can’t work myself up into the right headspace or feel excited about it. I don’t enjoy pornography and I’m not a big reader, so erotica doesn’t do it for me either. 

And because I’ve never orgasmed before, I don’t know what works for me. It is something I keep coming back to, and I do wonder if I should speak to a professional about it.

However, that feels like a monumentally big step to me and, to be honest, I don’t consider it to be that important. 

I love my job, I have great friends and my partner is wonderful – I just don’t need to be able to orgasm to feel fulfilled.”

 For more info, visit Facethewoolf.com.

‘I can orgasm for hours’

Laura Jones, 48, is a yoga teacher from south-east London.

“All day, I’d felt frustrated and slightly annoyed, but now stretched out on my bed, my whole body was tingling.

“I’d given myself an orgasm, and felt instantly better. It was like the sun had come out from behind the clouds.

I’m from Generation X – born between 1965 and 1981 – and we were always encouraged to be sexually active, to know what we want in the bedroom and to go for it.

Girl power was all the rage growing up, and sex was no longer just for men. Magazines were full of sex tips, which I devoured.

I’ve never felt that sex or masturbation are anything to be ashamed of. I gave myself my first orgasm as a teenager and, because I felt open and curious about my body, it came naturally to me. To know how incredible I could feel was thrilling.

When I first had sex with a boyfriend at 17, although I didn’t climax, I really enjoyed it. We both loved exploring our bodies together. It wasn’t long before I was orgasming with him, too.

Over the years, I’ve enjoyed sex – life is short and precious, and I want to make the most of every moment. I’ve experimented with various partners and sex has always been a really important part of my relationships, whether that be long-term ones or more casual affairs.

We both loved exploring our bodies together. It wasn’t long before I was orgasming with him, too.

Laura Jones

As I have grown in confidence and accepted my body, my orgasms have become deeper and more intense. I started practising kundalini yoga – which focuses on our chakras through moving meditation – when I was 27, which caused me to grow in confidence and accept my body.

It was so transformative, I started training to be a yoga teacher a year later. Focusing on my breath and pelvic floor had some unexpected benefits – not only did yoga put me in touch with my body, it also improved my orgasms, which have become deeper and more intense. Now I can come for hours – if I have time!

Most of my students are women and I love unlocking this potential in them and empowering them to have a more loving relationship with their bodies.

Yes, I have cellulite and small boobs, but I feel more comfortable in my body than ever before – and I really believe that helps you fully let go and enjoy sexual experiences, whether alone or with a partner.

I was shocked when I read the new figures from Durex about how few women expect to come during sex. I would always expect to orgasm when I am with a sexual partner.

Women – and men – need to realise a sexual encounter is about so much more than penetration, where the man pounds away and expects that to be enough.

Sex is a huge part of who we are, and if you don’t experiment and you deny yourself sexual pleasure, you are denying yourself the full spectrum of experience in the short time that we are here.” 

 For more info, visit Kiranjot.com.

• For support in dealing with sexual abuse or rape, visit Rapecrisis.org.uk