Lunch with male friend triggered my abusive ex who went mad – there’s nothing in it
DEAR DEIDRE: I WENT out for lunch with a male friend and it has triggered the abusive and vile side of my ex again.
Should I apologise simply to keep the peace for the sake of my sons or stand up to him?
I’m a 36-year-old single mum of three boys aged nine, seven and three.
I was with my ex, who is 40, for 12 years but during that time he showed himself to be abusive, physically and emotionally.
He was manipulative and when he physically abused me, it was subtle.
He’d grab my arms and squeeze them until I bruised where no one would see. One day he went to punch me in the stomach.
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As soon as he had gone to work I left him.
We didn’t speak for 18 months but he got in touch at Christmas and things were civil.
He started seeing the boys again, going to the older ones’ football matches and activities. It felt positive.
Then I met a male friend for lunch recently. He’s 37 and we were in school together.
There’s nothing in it but my ex found out and went mad, accusing me of “sleeping around and abandoning the kids”.
He is not speaking again because he wants an apology. The children are missing out on seeing him. Should I say sorry?
DEIDRE SAYS: No. You have done nothing wrong. The more he’s allowed to control you, the more he’s feeding his narcissistic tendencies.
Contact him and tell him his boys are missing out on a father-son relationship and it’s time he stepped up.
Then, tell him that your private life is no longer his business.
My support pack Standing Up For Yourself will help ringfence your independence.
If things don’t improve, suggest some mediation. Contact National Family Mediation (nfm.org.uk, 0300 4000 636) for advice.