I’m sick of playing second fiddle to my girlfriends drug-user ex

DEAR DEIDRE: MY girlfriend told me I had to accept her sexual arrangement with another man or we were over.

She can’t resist a bad boy and he is a proper wrong ’un.

I am 37 and my girlfriend is 35.

We’ve been together for five years.

I reluctantly agreed to it, hoping she would see through this man’s empty bravado.

They have known each other for years and had sex before we got together.

My instincts have always told me to keep my distance from him. He’s the manager in our local cafe and is a known drug user.

Recently she started going to the pub a lot more, where he practically lives, and would ignore my messages.

I was astounded when she brazenly informed me they were having sex again, but that she didn’t want to finish with me as she loved us both.

I’ve got to admit I felt neglected and used, but hoped she would come to her senses and see that his “exciting persona” was just a cover for someone who needed drugs to have a good time.

I can’t understand why she would have a fling with a drug user. He was only after her money.

She accused me of being controlling and sounding like her dad when I spoke to her about it.

After three months of her flitting between us, I’d had enough and was going to give her an ultimatum: This bloke, or me. But before I could, this guy dumped her because his ex-girlfriend wanted him back and wouldn’t tolerate him sleeping with other people.

It’s back to just us two again. I told my girlfriend that she is on very thin ice.

I am not convinced she would have chosen me if I’d had the chance to demand she choose.

DEIDRE SAYS:  She is treating you like her security blanket with no consideration about how you feel.

Your girlfriend may be telling the truth – that she loves you and wants to be with you – but that doesn’t mean she won’t stray again, or think of your feelings.

Trust is a very important part of any relationship.

You can’t save it unless she is genuinely sorry and regrets hurting you.

If you don’t want an open relationship, you need to tell her. And unless she can respect you, you face a future of unhappiness with her.

Talking to a relationship counsellor would help you work out what you both want. Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org) will be able to help.

Pictures posed by models.