Husband has snubbed our sex life for porn sites and online hook-ups – but says it’s my fault
DEAR DEIDRE: FOR nearly 20 years my partner and I had a brilliant sex life but lately he has opted for porn sites and internet trysts – and I know he is paying for online sex.
Yet he insists that he doesn’t love these women and only sleeps with them because he’s worried about hurting me — therefore it doesn’t count as cheating.
I am 46 and my partner is 48. We have been together for 21 years.
Before I was diagnosed with female genital eczema we couldn’t keep our hands off each other.
But when I developed painful patches all around my intimate area it made penetrative sex uncomfort-able — painful even.
We would still have lots of foreplay, and I would do my best to satisfy him in other ways, but I could see he wasn’t happy.
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Occasionally we would try to have sex but he would always stop because he said he didn’t want to hurt me.
I know he was thinking of me but I felt so rejected.
Especially as I quickly realised he would then go on to porn sites, online calls and webcams with various women.
This has been going on for months now and I’ve become very insecure about my looks and my body.
He has even started to suggest that I make more effort with my hair and lose weight.
He tries to blame me, saying it’s my fault because we don’t have much sex.
I don’t know if I still love him or what I should do but 20 years is a lot to throw away.
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DEIDRE SAYS: Like lots of men, he compartmentalises so he sees paying for sex as separate from his relationship.
But, of course, he knows what he is doing is hurting you, and the fact he is deceiving you is eating into your relationship.
Of course, he has to be 100 per cent sorry. He should have talked to you about wanting to revive your sex life.
Seeing sex workers, even if only online, is still cheating.
My support pack Saving Your Sex Life can help. But do also insist that you organise some couple counselling.
Tavistock Relationships can help (tavistockrelationships.org).
Genital eczema can be treated and controlled but unfortunately, as with all types of eczema, it is often a long-term condition with no cure.
Please seek support through the Vulval Pain Society (vulvalpainsociety.org).