My married lover wants to be with me but his wife is blackmailing him
DEAR DEIDRE: MY married lover wants to be with me – but can’t leave his wife because she’ll stop him seeing his kids.
It drives me mad. My head is telling me to end the relationship, but my heart wants to stay because I love him so much. I feel stuck in limbo.
I’m 28 and he’s 35. He has two children who are four and six.
Our affair began a year ago after we met at work. We both work for the same cab firm, he as a driver and I’m the administrator.
We are on the same wavelength and have a laugh together and it started as a friendship.
He told me he was married from the beginning and there was nothing sleazy. But as we got to know each other, he confided how unhappy he was.
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He’d never intended to marry his wife, but she got pregnant with their son, and he did the right thing, hoping things would improve.
But they have nothing in common, constantly bicker and don’t sleep together.
I know that’s not a line. I trust him 100 per cent.
It took months before we fell into bed.
The sex was electric — the way it is when you’re with someone you click with.
He has told me he loves me and wants to leave his wife. But when he tries to talk to her about splitting, she says she will make sure he never sees his kids again.
It’s the only hold she has over him. What should I do?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: You can’t force him to leave his wife.
His children are very young. If he waits until they are adults to leave, or even teenagers, you will be in your forties.
His wife is emotionally blackmailing him. She cannot stop him seeing his children out of spite.
If the marriage is over, staying isn’t the best course for the kids, who will sense the tension between their parents. With the right legal advice he will be able to have access to them.
Tell him to focus on his marriage and work out whether it’s better to stay and try, or leave. But make it clear you cannot be involved unless he leaves.
Tell him to contact Dads Unlimited, (dadsunltd.org.uk, 01233 680150), a charity supporting dads through family separation.
Be honest about the fact you have had enough and ask him to be honest with you.
My support pack, Your Lover Not Free, has helpful information.
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