‘My daughter’s hubby doesn’t lift a finger’

Janet Ellis's advice to a concerned mother: don't meddle in your daughter's domestic affairs if she's content with the way things are.

Question: I’ve just come back from a family holiday with my daughter and son-in-law and seeing their relationship at close quarters has given me pause for thought.

I’ve always got on well with my son-in-law and I don’t doubt that he loves my daughter and their two young children. But, in a domestic setting, he seems to leave it to her to do everything.

It’s not as if they have an old-fashioned marriage where he goes out to work and she stays at home. They both have full-time jobs, so I can’t understand why he doesn’t lift a finger to help. Whether it’s preparing dinner, clearing up, bathing the children or just organising the family, it all seems to be down to her.

I obviously helped as much as I could (and made a few pointed comments to him, which were ignored), but I’m worried about the effect this is having on mydaughter.

She looks tired, has lost her sparkle and just seems generally put upon.

I hate the idea that she is becoming a skivvy for a man who could — and should — be helping her or at the very least picking up after himself. I’m also concerned the children will follow his lazy example, leaving her slaving after all three of them.

Answer: First, the good news — you’ve had a lovely holiday with your daughter, grandchildren and your son-in-law — and he didn’t spoil the mood by retaliating when you commented adversely on his role in their domestic set-up. That suggests you all get along pretty well, which is great.

As this is the first time you’ve noticed what you think is an imbalance, presumably there hasn’t been much to worry you about their set-up until now.

Seeing your daughter doing what you feel is more than her fair share is hard, but you have to wonder why the only person who seems to mind is you.

Any mother of two small children is usually a sparkle-free zone. It’ll be years until she has the sort of holiday where she can really relax and let herself go and, dare I say it, it’s unlikely you’ll be there.

Even her children might be out of the picture. As long as you have small children with you, then all you really do when you’re away from home is change the background: they need as much caring for and running around after as usual. The fact that your daughter does so much without complaining rather suggests that — whisper it — she enjoys those tasks.

Perhaps she wants to make the most of feeding, bathing and organising her children while they’re young, particularly as she has to spend time away from them when she’s at work.

Unless one partner says they’re irritated or upset by the other’s behaviour, then onlookers have to accept the workings of most happy relationships are a mystery to anyone else.

You don’t mention any failings in your son-in-law’s relationship with his children and you can tell he loves your daughter, which counts for a great deal.

Perhaps they’ve agreed that she takes care of the domestic side of things while he gets on with the admin. Or, more likely, they’ve just evolved a comfortable way of dealing with family life that suits them both.

It’s natural for you to want to see your daughter cared for as you think she should be, but until she tells you that she’s tired or fed up, I suggest you don’t tell her you disapprove of her husband’s behaviour.

If her father did more about the house than her partner does then she’s had a strong example of what’s possible. But if she isn’t unhappy then it’s quite likely she’d react badly to what she might see as your interference.

I can tell you’re close to her, so be reassured you’d hear if she wanted things to change.

As you’re a strong woman, I’m sure you’ve encouraged your daughter to stick up for herself.

Offer assistance to her and encourage your grandchildren to help out at home, but beware of using their dad as an example of how not to be a husband.

Daily Mail